Another Line in the Sand

Yes, it is time to draw another line in the sand. I am doing better with my weight/size but I have a lot further to go. I know I need to get healthy. To me that means, no more meds (I take prescriptions for blood pressure, blood sugar, and cholesterol). It means that my waist is the same size as my hips and both are less than 36″ in diameter. It means I can jog for a few km with out feeling like I am going to die. Continue reading

Anger

I write a lot about anger. I have to be honest. I know where it comes from and a lot of what triggers it. What I don’t know how is to fix it. I have tried therapy, music, alcohol, religion. None of these have really fixed it..

The music is hurting,
The drugs aren’t working
The walls come crushing down
Another rejection
For my insurrection
It’s crawling back somehow

Tables turn
These words they burn
I never should have come
I flinch and shake until I break
I swear to God for once
Could you just hear me?
No, really hear me?
The Offspring / Turning Into You

I know that a lot of people find solace in religion. For me, that has only made me angrier. I feel like I have been abandoned when I needed it most. Repeatedly and often. Maybe I am asking the wrong questions. Perhaps I just don’t hear the answers or don’t know what I am listening for.

I have friends and family who say things like “Trust God”, “God doesn’t trust you with more than you can handle”, “God has a plan”, “God works in mysterious ways”. None of this helps me. In fact, it makes me even more upset. It sounds like a cop out. I get it, I can’t see the bigger picture. Reminding me of that fact doesn’t help the here and now. It just pisses me off.

I am the one, your help I’ve refused
Your offering hand just set off the fuse
I am the rock that pushes away
I gave up tomorrow to spite today

Too proud to beg
Too stubborn to try
I’d look in your face
And spit in your eye

But I’m willing to find what’s really inside
And show I am strong enough to

Trust in you
Trust in you
Trust in you
Pull me up
Quo modo – shadow to light
Quo modo – shadow to light
Quo modo – pull me up
Pull me up
Cause I am ready

I am the one who blames only you
The flame in my eyes now blackens my view
I am the one who wanders alone
Darkness inside blocks how you’ve shone

Who tied the other
End of my rope?
I want to move on
I want to have hope

So I’m willing to change
I’m going to try
To show I am strong enough to

Trust in you
Trust in you
Trust in you
Pull me up
Quo modo – shadow to light
Quo modo – shadow to light
Quo modo – pull me up
Pull me up
Cause I am waiting

Strong enough to

Trust in you
Trust in you
Trust in you
Pull me up
Quo modo – shadow to light
Quo modo – shadow to light
Quo modo – pull me up
Pull me up
Cause I am ready
The Offspring / Trust In You

All I know is that I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I need to figure this out and fix it. I don’t like it and I don’t like how I feel. I just feel so alone. I know I am broken inside, but I don’t know how to fix it…

My Journey to Wellness

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